Hi, I’m Claudia Brown Coulter. I’m your go-to mediator for navigating divorce while parenting children with special needs. Welcome to part three of our series on navigating divorce with your special needs child. In this segment, we’ll focus on communicating effectively with your child. This topic is divided into two parts: telling the kids and helping them cope.
Part One: Telling the Kids
Preparing to Tell Your Children
Before you tell your children about the divorce, it’s crucial to prepare. There’s nothing worse than one parent impulsively breaking the news without any coordination. I have seen this happen where one parent hasn’t decided when to tell the kids, while the other has already spilled the news in a hurtful manner. We need to be grown-ups about this situation. You chose to marry and have children together, and now, as you navigate this change, it’s essential to prioritize your children.
Delivering the News Together
First and foremost, tell your children together. This shows unity and reassures them that both parents are still there for them. Preparation is key. Talk to your therapist or consult with school professionals, like IEP team members, about the best ways to approach this conversation. If you don’t have access to a therapist, there are plenty of resources online to guide you.
Using Clear, Age-Appropriate Language
When you’re ready to talk to your kids, use clear and simple language. Consider your child’s age and intellectual ability to understand the situation. Avoid complex terms or unnecessary details. The goal is to communicate in a way that is developmentally appropriate and respectful of where they are. Instead of using hurtful language or detailed explanations, stick to straightforward statements.
Reassuring Your Child
As you break the news, reassure your child. Emphasize that both parents love them and that the divorce is not their fault. Explain that while the parents’ relationship is changing, the love and commitment to the child remains the same. Reassure them that this decision is what’s best for the family right now.
Explaining Changes
Tell your children what will change and what will stay the same. For example, if one parent is moving out, explain that, but also highlight the aspects of their life that will remain consistent, such as their school, extracurricular activities, and routines. This helps reduce anxiety and provides a sense of stability.
Opening Up for Questions
It’s important to open the floor for questions. Be prepared for questions to come at different times, not just during the initial conversation. Your child might need time to process the information and come back with questions later. Be honest but considerate in your answers, and remember, it’s okay to admit if you don’t have all the answers right away.
Role-Playing Scenarios
Consider role-playing scenarios with your child. This can help them visualize and prepare for the changes. Discuss what they might want to tell their friends or teachers, what it will be like to go between two homes, and how they want their new room to look. Role-playing can reduce fear and help them adjust to the new reality.
Part Two: Helping Them Cope
Recognizing Signs of Stress
It’s vital to recognize signs of stress in your child, which can include changes in behavior, physical symptoms like headaches or stomach aches, emotional expressions like clinginess or anxiety, academic changes, and social changes. Be attentive to these signs and ready to provide support.
Creating a Feelings Chart
A feelings chart can be incredibly helpful. This simple tool allows your child to express their emotions visually. You can create or download a chart and use magnets to indicate how each person is feeling. This fosters empathy and understanding, helping you better support your child emotionally. I like this chart here.
Use Kimochis
Kimochis are another excellent tool. These small, colorful characters can help children express complex emotions they might not have the vocabulary for. Each kimochi represents a different feeling, such as sadness, insecurity, or hopefulness. By using these tools, children can communicate their emotions more effectively.
Encouraging Artistic Expression
Encourage your child to express themselves through art, whether it’s drawing, painting, music, or another form. The arts can be a powerful outlet for emotions and a way for children to process their feelings.
Providing Comfort Items
Create a bag of comfort items for your child. This could include their favorite blanket, toy, book, or movie. These familiar items can help soothe them during stressful times.
Introducing Tapping and Meditation
Consider introducing tapping or meditation to help your child calm down. Tapping involves rhythmic movements that can help release emotions and reduce stress. Meditation can also provide a calming routine. If there’s interest, I can create videos on tapping specifically for kids just let me know.
Utilizing Social Stories
Social stories can be particularly helpful for children on the autism spectrum. These are personalized stories that explain new routines and changes in a structured and comforting way. They can include pictures and detailed explanations to help your child understand and adjust to the new living arrangements.
Final Thoughts
You know your children better than anyone else. Take the time to plan how you’ll communicate with them about the divorce. While you can’t control your co-parent, you can control your approach and provide the support your child needs. Remember, your primary job during this time is to be a stable and supportive presence for your child.
Thank you for joining me. You’re going to get through this, and your children will thrive because you’re handling it with care and consideration.